33 Rules of Good Social Skills

Yesterday, I timeboxed 45 minutes to write down every single rule of good social skills I could come up with, wrote a tweet thread, then it went somewhat viral!

Here’s the list in article format, with slight editing for feedback:

1. Most important one: in almost all conversational contexts, generally let the other person win. Note that winning is not zero-sum: in most situations, both you and everyone in the conversation can (and should) be winning!
   
2. In most situations, you driving the conversation will lead to the best outcomes. (Note that driving the conversation does not necessarily mean it will be evident to others, or that you will be talking a lot.)
   
3. Knowing an obscure local reference about where someone is from is the biggest cheat code to build rapport quickly.
   
4. Early on, measured cold reading creates more intrigue than asking questions.
   
5. Use intuition and cold reading to rapidly understand the person’s value system and then frame ensuing conversation within this system to make them as comfortable as possible.
   
6. Turn, smile and greet people as they enter a space. Basically, pretend that you’re the host, even if you’re not.
   
7. Genuine compliments or jokey observations about shared context are the best way to start a conversation.
   
8. Follow your curiosity. Be genuinely interested in other people, but only when it’s actually genuine. No one wants robotic Dale Carnegie-like questioning-for-the-sake-of-it.
   
9. Figure out what someone is passionate about and keep mashing that button with deeper and deeper questions and excited curiosity.
   
10. Small talk has its place – it’s helpful for establishing conversational boundaries and vibe – but not too long. Transition out of it quickly once both parties are comfortable.
    
11. Generally avoid cliche questions or question formats. Even small twists on common small talk questions can lead to better answers, e.g. “What have you been interested in lately?” instead of “What do you do?”
    
12. Only turn the conversation back to your story when it’s absolutely necessary.
    
13. If you and another person start talking at the same time, cede the way to them. (The rarer exception is if you’re often talked over, in which case you should assert your frame more).
    
14. In group conversation, when it looks like someone wants to join from outside, meet their eyes, smile, and shift your body outwards to encourage them to do so.
    
15. … and when they join, ask their name and give them context on the current subject.
    
16. If a conversation is getting stale, actively recruit people walking past to join with your eyes and smile, then optionally you can duck out when the new person is acquainted.
    
17. Don’t break rapport, even jokingly, unless the other person signals they’re with it.
    
18. Mirror body language. Turn and face the person, give them your full presence. Don’t cross your arms or dart your eyes around the room.
    
19. If you ever have to break presence, let them know (“keep talking, I’m just filling up this water”) or if you have to pull out your phone to take note of something they told you, (“let me write that down”).
    
20. If you catch the other person breaking rapport with body language, they’re most likely not interested and you should save face and make an excuse to exit the conversation.
    
21. If asked a question, make your answer as detail-rich as possible to give the questioner the maximum amount of conversational threads for follow up.
    
22. In groups, early on, make jokes only at your own expense, not at the expense of others, until a humor dynamic is established.
    
23. Callback humor can be funny, but do not constantly use it to try to enforce a certain group dynamic.
    
24. In groups, the conversation must be held at a level of context and reference that every single person in the group can understand.
    
25. As much as you should keep the conversation positive, people actually bond more over lighthearted complaints than over shared interests.
    
26. References should be framed within your conversation partner’s cultural context. No one wants to feel dumb or out of the loop.
    
27. If making references that are outside someone’s context, do so only if they signal themselves as a curious person, and make them come from a place of genuine interest in informing, rather than bragging.
    
28. How to go deeper: share sensitive information about yourself first then, gauge someone’s reaction before asking them the same level of question.
    
29. Avoid all repetition: telling the same joke twice, telling a story that someone has already heard even if you and they are just one part of a larger group conversation, etc
    
30. If you’re smart and successful, you’ll win far more favor by downplaying your intelligence and achievements. Signal humility, always.
    
31. You win many more hearts playing the curious and thoughtful midwit than the lecturing genius. In most cases, your interlocutor should best feel that they’re either slightly smarter (= they’re teaching you) or of similar intelligence to you (= you’re riffing together).
    
32. Don’t ask to exchange contact information, God forbid LinkedIn, unless you actually had a meaningful conversation.
    
33. You can just drop threads that don’t serve the conversation, like: anything that leads towards arguments or bad vibes or anything well-meaning that might cause (hidden) psychological harm to someone participating.

I’ve long found pop literature on social skills to be subpar and have long been thinking of writing a comprehensive guide similar to my others.

Now I have the momentum to write it! For updates on how it’s coming along, subscribe via RSS or follow me on twitter.